Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Randomize
