I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
