In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
