if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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