WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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