Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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