I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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