Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
