and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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