how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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