Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
