i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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