Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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