Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
