I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
