My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
