If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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