Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
