i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
