I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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