It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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