a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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