i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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