That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
