Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
