I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your cock deserves a montage
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
