I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
