I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
