my phone needs a breathalizer
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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