I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
