eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
