I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
