Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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