I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
