is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
