Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
