Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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