Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
