Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You ate ashes out of my bong
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i believe in u and ur pee
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
