He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
