This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
