he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
