Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
