I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
