Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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