She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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