i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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