I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
