I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
