Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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